Part IV - CROSS-THREADED BOLTS

Through this venture, ordeal, experience, whatever one may want to refer to it as, I've learned a few things. Lessons are what life is about. You don't learn them; you fall behind. And I'm always game for knowing something I didn’t know, or enhancing what I already did.

The go-around that I am currently in should be old hat. I’ve done the hoop jumping, cajoling, and step taking all the first time. Yet, I still learn at the price of my ego sometimes, and at the expense of my heart at other times. I don't think anyone can ever get used to being told something needs to be worked, tweaked, or just not good enough. It's also disappointing to be told that what you do isn’t someone's cup of tea; it has no grand-scheme potential. They don't share your vision. Finding people that do share your vision is rare. It's quite something when you do.

Wearing emotions as proudly as I do is painful at times, rewarding at others. It’s painful, because you set yourself up to be disappointed so easily and to have your balance thrown off at the slightest indiscretion. It is rewarding at times because, at this point in my life, I am past the tough guy posturing, the whole self-imposed role (we think it’s society-imposed as a result) of thinking one has to prove their level of bad-ass. It's fine, and quite expected when you’re growing up. Chest thumping is great when you’re 18. Not when you’re 28.

It is rewarding because my personality, experience, and mindset allow me to quite comfortably discuss feelings that men in particular think they have to hide… Which allows me the luxury of candor and honesty. Take all of that, and you might begin to understand how and why chemistry is far more important to me than talent (not to imply there cannot be both, for there is, indeed). But I am not going to cling to someone, court someone in a band relationship, simply because of necessity. If they grate against me... pull me out of my comfort level, I just simply cannot be in a band with them. Because to me, it’s far more than the business-like experience some may desire in a band. It's far more than just simply playing music together. To make a united idea become a tangible listening experience, for me, there has to be a cognitive and cohesive togetherness. I will not have to explain what I want, simply because they are of the same musical mindset, and it's unspoken. The groove hits you in all the right places at all the right times, or it just doesn’t work. I don't want to have to convince you of liking it. Simply put- I'm not going to talk you into feeling what we’re about. You dig it, or you don't. It's what you want to play, or it isn’t. And no amount of talking will ever change that. It's unfair of me to expect someone to play something they aren’t 100 percent happy with and in accordance with. It creates complacency and contempt, which breeds discontentment, which breeds a separation. And longevity is a key ingredient in a band.

Shawn and I are at a crossroads. We, in eight years, have never been too far off in degrees of difference. We've had a harmony for years, and as a result, quite a contentment and enjoyment in a creative atmosphere. Going back to what I said earlier about being past things in life. I can say I love him like a brother, a close friend. Just like someone you've poured your heart out with onstage (and off) for the last eight years. I cling to nostalgia; he seeks newer ground. Not musically, but in band mates.

Let me voice that, everyone that is involved with this dramatic display of a talent search, is a good and decent person. I do not dislike anyone on a personal level. Old comfort versus new experience is the heart of the matter. Each road has it's smooth areas, as well as bumps and holes. And Shawn and I, each equally with the same stubbornness, want to travel down the different paths. The details and names aren’t necessary to share, because the situation is the vehicle of the conversation. It's too early to divulge such details. I cannot say how things will turn out, but this particular chapter is coming to a close. Our choice won't be made by us; that is out of our hands. The decision is up to them, and how they navigate through this time. Soon, we'll know who's who, and what's what, and we can finally start doing what the hell a band is supposed to do: create music. I'd just rather do it with friends than associates.